Gort vs the Space Vampires: Where Quatermass meets Hammer, there is Lifeforce
"Space Girl then walks out, full frontal, zapping everyone with lightning from her fingertips."
Gort vs the Space Kitties: before you ask for a Mass Effect movie, look what Hollywood did to Wing Commander
"The games' crack military veterans are replaced by a bunch of whining, emo teens who can't seem to keep their pants up."
Gort vs the Space Pyramids - Galaxy of Terror is Roger Corman's try for Alien
"A worm-monster sucks the ship's slutty engineer's clothes off and kills her with orgasmic bliss"
Gort vs jetpack Nazis - we take a look at superhero classic The Rocketeer
"Rocketeer has a wonderfully-90s charm and an Indiana Jones-like dose of family-friendly fun"
Gort vs Lesbian Ghosts - Hex, Sky's short-lived British Buffy
"This is the kind of series where the bad guy shows how bad he is by having a bondage threeway with his teacher"
Argento's Three Mothers trilogy review, Part 3 - Mother of Tears
Gort vs crap witches: Inappropriate Shower Scenes
"The plot ends up like a cross between The Da Vinci Code and The Craft, which is no bad thing at all"
Argento's Three Mothers trilogy review, Part 2 - Inferno
Gort vs crap witches: Sexy Italian Pussy-Strokers
"The Fourth Beegee is stalked by a sexy woman suggestively stroking her ginger pussy... not like that..."
Argento's Three Mothers trilogy review, Part 1 - Suspiria
Gort vs crap witches: 90-Year-Old Hookers
"It looks like a gothic version of the Adam West Batman - with a bit of the old ultraviolence"
Essex Boys: Retribution
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Friend of the blog Paul Tanter's new movie is out now! Check out the trailer below:
Friend of the blog Paul Tanter's new movie is out now! Check out the trailer below:
Gort vs The Black Fortress: A merry Krull Christmas
Commander's Log, Stardate 24122013.2:
"Obi-Wan Fred-Jonesy tells Prince Tight Pants he needs to defeat a god-like alien before he can get his end away with Princess Ginger 'Fro"
Fawkes' night special - The Final Mission: Is this the end of Gort?
Commander's Log, Stardate 05112013.2:
This could be my final log entry.
Overworked and exhausted, the latest in our line of failed engineers, Steve was startled when he witnessed a display of fireworks on Earth below us. Thinking we were under attack, Steve decided to fire the turbo lasers at Earth. Thankfully for you, dear Gort-fans, the lasers were undergoing repair and, as such, had been stuffed with wine corks. The resulting explosion left Steve dead and the Mothership reduced to dust fragments in the atmosphere, which will likely cause your grandchildren to be hideously mutated. You're welcome.
Fortunately, Gort and I managed to escape the destruction of the Mothership and have found jobs working in dingy DVD rental stores on Earth. From here, we will continue our mission to save Earth from the horrors of Hollywood by recommending the greatest bad movies ever made. Though our log entries may be less frequent, rest assured that we have not abandoned you, Gort-fans. We fight for the viewers.
Yours forever,
The Commander and Gort
Halloween special - Gort vs bad hair: We review Hammer's The Gorgon
Commander's Log, Stardate 31102013.2
Walking down to the engine room for our weekly critique of Steve The Engineer's performance, we were accosted in a dark corner by a shadowy woman dressed all in green with a head full of slimy, squirming hair."Whrhrrrrr ooooh aaaah," she said.
"Helen?" I asked.
"Oh, alright, it's me," confessed Helen Cox of New Empress Magazine. "I was bringing up some new screeners and I fell in this weird vat of green slime you've got stowed down in the shuttle bay."
"Oh, yeah..." Gort owned up after a few moments of glaring. "I was experimenting with this substance you call limeade. I felt it could be weaponised in some way..."
Gort vs bad drawing: Is Push the self-contained Heroes movie we always wanted?
Commander's log, Stardate 18102013.2:
"Weeee!" echoed through the corridors of the Mothership in the early hours of a weekday morning. Investigating, I found Gort casually levitating Steve the Engineer around the ceiling of the Mothership's engine room.
"I found a way to give us all psychic powers," Gort explained.
"With these powers, we could be superheroes!" I exclaimed with barely suppressed glee. The others looked at me with horror and disdain.
"Dude," Steve berated, "no-one says superhero anymore. That's so 90s."
Gort vs Chuck Norris: The Delta Force is based on a true story - no, really
Commander's log, Stardate 11102013.2
This week saw the Mothership visited by Galactic Alliance Commander Chuck Norris. As soon as he arrived, Gort began squaring up to the reputed hardest man in this sector of space."You know, I don't have a chin underneath my beard - just another fist," Norris deadpanned.
"Really?" Gort answered,"underneath my chin is a neutron disintegrator." Norris vanished in a flash of light.
"Well, at least he won't have to do any more Expendables movies...." I consoled.
Gort vs The 90s: Is Double Dragon the worst video game adaptation in history?
Commander's Log, Stardate 02102013.2:
It's been a difficult week on the Mothership. Commander Walter's evil robotic ninja squirrel somehow managed to duplicate itself with some of the ship's equipment, producing one red and one grey squirrel, who set about running around the ship chewing on cables and hitting us on the back of the head with twigs joined by acorn stalks.
In the end, it was Helen Cox of New Empress Magazine who saved the day by suggesting to the grey squirrel that gingers sucked. The grey squirrel's snicker led to an all-out royal rumble between the ninjas, ending with both of their destruction. If only all our adventures ended with so little effort.
Gort vs naked satanists: Nude For Satan proves the Italians are weird people
Commander's log, Stardate 24092013.2:
"I don't understand what I'm looking at..." Gort droned as he tilted his head to one side, trying to find a better angle."Me either..." replied Steve the Engineer, hanging bat-like from the ceiling. "It's like there's a giant spider hanging between her legs."
"No. It's hairier than that. It's like a small rodent..."
I turned around and walked back out of the Mothership's recreation deck.
Gort vs Reptilicus: The acid-spitting Danish kaiju movie you need to see
Admiral's log, Stardate 20092013.2:
"Where is the Commander?!" I shouted across the Mothership's bridge as I materialised myself as a giant floating head - as is my wont. "A giant reptile monster is attacking the Earth and I don't want anyone other than me disintegrating that blasted planet!"
"Uh, it's the Commander's birthday, sir. He's gone off on a bender," stuttered the moronic engineer the Commander had hired.
"Then who's going to save the Earth!?" I cried. Nodding stoically - even for a robot - Gort headed for the shuttle bay.
I glanced briefly at Steve the Engineer before he muttered: "I'll bring the popcorn." I was growing to like him.
Gort vs Shakespeare: Is Theatre of Blood the movie Saw should be?
Commander's log, Stardate 13092013.2
"Infamy, infamy, you've all got it in for me!" whined Steve the Engineer as he melodramatically whirled around the Mothership's briefing room. "First he beats me up for eating his bloody biscuits," he pointed to me, " and now you've both gone and blown the plot of this week's film!"
"He is overly emotional." Gort droned in a whisper, "shall I disintegrate him?"
"No, I can't be bothered to teach anyone else to use the coffee machine," I mumbled before launching into an apology.
Gort vs The Punisher: War Zone is the Punisher movie you want
Commander's Log, Stardate 06092013.2:
Like an avenging dark angel, I stalked the Mothership's corridors this week. Dressed all in black, I sneaked through the ship and slipped into the engine room. Silently creeping up on Steve the Engineer, I grabbed his neck and flung him into the steel wall of his control room, before hanging him upside-down from a strut hanging loose from the wall.
"Dude! What the hell?!" he gasped.
"Where are my God-damned Jammie Dodgers?!" I rasped.
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