Who's The Toughest Ancient Warrior According To B-Movies?

In the last of the articles suggested by the winners of our competition, this week we're bringing you a suggestion from Paul Tanter, writer, director and general boss man behind the hugely-entertaining British gangster flicks that comprise the Jack Says series.

So, hit the jump to discover which of the various groups of ancient badasses is the toughest according to the B-movie genre:

Yaargh! Here be spoilers!

So, let's meet the contestants:


1) Vikings from The 13th Warrior

2) Spartans from 300

3) Samurai from The Last Samurai

4) Romans from Gladiator

5) Saracens from Kingdom of Heaven

6) Highlanders from Braveheart

7) Knights from Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Round 1) Weaponry

Right off the bat, we have a tough choice here. The Samurai's range of pointy instruments of death are the clear winners, while the Saracen scimitars are also cool. On the other hand, whilst the Romans have the weediest and least-interesting swords, the Gladiators are known to use tridents, nets and various other interesting argument resolvers. The Spartans are less interesting, with small swords and pointy sticks, but their cleverly-utilised 'Captain America' shields save them. The Knights would clearly lose out were it not for the Holy Hand Grenade, clearly the best weapon here. This leaves the Highlanders and the Vikings, who both stick to f*&$%-off big swords, however, the Vikings decorate theirs, so, sadly, the Highlanders have to go.

Elimination - Highlanders

Round 2) Dress sense

Another tricky one. Many of our warriors look similar in their armour. The clear winner is the Samurai with their elaborate helmets (oo-er) and Cruise's blood-coloured mail. The Saracens offer several fruity little numbers incorporating their turbans and some nice, pointy hats. The Spartans have little in the way of actual clothing, but their Batman-esque capes and badass helmets are pretty intimidating, almost as much as their rippling six packs. This leaves the Knights, Vikings and Romans, all of whom look pretty similar, only the Romans lose out by not having any actual metal armour and essentially being dressed in skirts and trendy sandals.

Elimination - Romans

Round 3) Badassness

Oh, come on, all joking aside, Monty Python had to go at some point...

Elimination - Knights

Round 4) Womanising

300 is chock full of unusually-nippled women writhing around in not many clothes, while the Vikings are known for their raping activities. The Samurai are pretty chaste, but then the Saracens dress all their women up in veils and stone them to death if they reveal an ankle. Fail, Islam, epic fail.

Elimination - Saracens

Round 5) Battle Strategy

The Vikings in 13th Warrior stalk around like Ninjas and feign sleep to draw in their opponents; they're pretty tricky blokes. The Spartan's strategy at "The Hot Gates", on the other hand, has gone down in history. Lastly, however, despite having their own schemes, the Samurai decided to face down machine guns with swords on horseback and are prone to cutting out their own intestines when captured in battle; that's not that bright.

Elimination - Samurai

Final Round) Glorious Death

Our first instinct in this case was to go with the Vikings. I mean, "Lo, there do I see my father. Lo, there do I see my mother...": shivers down the spine. However, Beowulf's brave death essentially comes when he takes a nice sit down after the battle is over. Leonidas, on the other hand, dies in a hail of arrows after having javelined his enemy in the face and proved he is not a god. Sorry, Beowulf.

Elimination - Vikings

Winner - Spartans