Wednesday Rewind: Torque by @destroytheearth

I'm sure many of you are familiar with the The Fast and The Furious franchise? but would you be intrigued to know that the same people who enriched society with that wonder created an even-more ridiculous gear-head cheesfest? Yes, it's Fast and Furious with motorbikes, only worse; it's Torque.

The film begins with a mission statement: two turbo-boosted, suped-up, street-racing cars engage their nitro and zoom down a highway in the desert, only to be overtaken by a wheelie-pulling biker who is going so fast he causes a passing speed sign to spin and inexplicably change to read "cars suck". The movie ends with a hi-tech rocket bike creating such a slipstream that it blows up a random woman's skirt to reveal an anachronistically-unlikely stocking/suspender combo.

In between there is some gumpf about crystal meth hidden in motorbike engines, corrupt FBI agents and Hell's Angels; not that plot is relevant compared to the sheer, unmitigated awesomeness of this 90-minute music video. Motorcycles are jumped onto the top of trains before dropping down and being ridden through crowded passenger carriages; lines of Hell's Angels pee in unison; shotguns are brandished; Humvees flipped; thongs exposed; booties bounced; and the mother of all cat fights takes the form of a 21st-century joust on motorbikes.

Somehow, and don't ask me how, the cast includes: Boyz n The Hood's Ice Cube, Blade II and The Transporter's menacing Matt Schulze, Die Another Day's Will Yun Lee, a gothed-up Jaime Pressly from My Name is Earl, Hostel's Jay Hernandez, for some reason the singer Christina Milian, and, weirdest of all: Max Beesley... yes, Max... Beesley...

Mere words cannot express how much joy this film gives me. Please, if you have EVER even remotely enjoyed a bad film; watch Torque.

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