Friday Feature: The Five Scariest Mother-F$*@%ers In Film @destroytheearth

We all love them: those guys in films you know you wouldn't want to meet in real life; the truly hard-ass bastards. Should you be in a pub and knock over someone's pint; if it was these guys, you'd just shoot yourself and spare yourself the pain. There are so many, ranging from Hugh Jackman's Wolverine to Clancy Brown's Kurgan from Highlander.

The below, however, are the truly horrifying, not the ones who would just give you a beating, but the ones who would say "don't worry about it" and then plan meticulously for thirty years before raping you with a chainsaw when you least expect it. These are the WMDs of bad-assness. Be afraid.

1) Pinhead

He is the prince of hell. The ultimate leather-clad sadomasochist. This a guy people beg to tear them apart with chains. Yes, he's been put in his place before, but it's just another trip for this bad-ass cenobite, and he knows he'll always be back for another round in yet another Hellraiser.

2) Kakihara

This one could give Pinhead a run for his money in the sadomasochist stakes. The villain from manga-inspired madness Ichi The Killer, from who else by Takashi Miike, has one up on the Joker; his mouth-side slits actually open up and are only held closed by two piercings. As if that wasn't weird enough, this is a guy who gleefully hacks out his own tongue as an apology for speaking out of turn. This is not even to mention what he does to his enemies. Anyone for tempura?

3) Marv

Yes, he may be a good guy, a veritable kitten when it comes to Jessica Alba (then again, who wouldn't be?), but have pity on Marv's enemies. As if cutting off a serial killer's limbs and then watching as the blood attracts the murderer's hungry pet wolves to the still-living psycho's tasty body wasn't rock hard enough, Marv then keeps his cool while heading to the electric chair, taking a fair few tries before spitting "that the best you can do, pansies?" and snuffing it.

4) Lee Woo-Jin

The antagonist from Korean masterpiece, Oldboy, may not seem like much; a mild-mannered, skinny rich kid, but his master planning puts the old Bond villains to shame. Ten years in the making, fifteen years in the execution, Woo-Jin's plan to avenge himself on our hero Oh Dae-Su by forcing him to sink to his level is nothing short of Machiavellian. You do not want to piss this guy off.

5) Begbie

The daddy of Glaswegian wideboys' crimes may not compare with the people above, but his sheer psychotic menace is more than a match for the evilest of villains. Begbie is the ultimate mistake, seeming like a great laugh until his sociopathic outbursts chill you to your very core, by which point Begbie is part of your life and it is far too late to extricate yourself from him; indeed it is escaping Begbie that saves Renton at Trainspotting's climax, not quitting heroin. Begbie's favourite game is to throw a pint glass blindly from a balcony in a crowded pub, goring a defenceless woman below, before charging in and attacking random strangers for his own crime.


  1. Begbie? Glaswegian??
    He's from Edinburgh, ye great numptie.

    Otherwise, fine selection.

  2. Ah, but Robert Carlyle is from Glasgow! See what I did there?