Monday Movie: Knight and Day by @V_for_vienetta

It's shocking what passes for an action-comedy nowadays. Take Knight and Day: Tom Cruise is a covert agent and Cameron Diaz is a woman caught between him and those he claims set him up.

As their globetrotting adventure erupts into a maze of double-crosses, close escapes, false identities and head-shaking romantic snafus, they come to realize that all they can count on is each other... and that their agents faces need slapping. If I had to watch it, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to read about it. Hit the jump if you're a masochist:

Diaz is a ditzy, yet plucky, muscle-car expert, whose automotive knowledge is never actually needed, but has difficulty operating a suitcase with wheels. Cruise on the other hand, is a lethally-annoying rogue agent and a needy date from hell. Together they embark on a worldwide escapade, pursued by a criminally-underused Peter Sarsgaard and some shonky CGI, necessitated by a super battery called a MacGuff… sorry, Zephyr.

Obviously, through the course of their self-consciously "wacky" hijinx, they fall for each other. This is exceedingly problematic to Mr Kipling-ian proportions. Firstly, Cruise is ridiculously irritating and spends the running time either stalking or drugging Diaz while constantly repeating the character's name like some kind of mentalist’s mantra. The idea that Diaz' character feasibly finds him in anyway attractive implies she must be either mentally deficient or the kind of woman who writes love letters to serial killers on death row; which, incidentally, is where Cruise's character belongs.

I completely lost track of how many people he offed, but it was at least a plane-full, six cars-full and one warehouse-full. Not that I’m in any way opposed to a healthy body count, but it’s not the most alluring quality in a sane woman's potential mate. Especially in a film so otherwise light hearted. Mayhaps the makers of Knight and Day thought it would take nothing but Cruise enthusiastically taking his shirt off three times, accompanied by Diaz’s contractually obligated “oh my!” face to convince us that they’re meant to be.

The script is so eye-rolling you’ll be in need of one of those masks with the cooling gel inside afterwards. The action is pedestrian and peppered with embarrassing CG bulls, bombers and green screen. Giggling at the tash on Mark Blucas (Riley from Buffy The Vampire Slayer) was the most fun I derived from Knight and Day.

And that title… well, there are knights; actually, there are knights galore, but where does the Day come in? In the writer’s “lazy title generator” app? certainly, but nowhere in the actual film.

This movie is cornier than a corn field being harvested by a farmer eating popcorn.... with corns on his feet.... called Farmer… Corn....  One to watch? Kno.

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