But which is better? Star Wars or Star Trek? There's only one way to find out... FIGHT!!!

Next week sees not only the release of the new Star Trek film – made by someone who professes to be more of a Star Wars fan – but also Star Wars Day (May the 4^th be with you)! But which is better? Star Wars or Star Trek? There's only one way to find out... FIGHT!!!

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Transport

Come on, let's be honest now – The Enterprise is a bit pants. We may love it, but it looks like a flying saucer with a clothes rack sticking out the back. The show has being trying to sex it up ever since The Next Generation, but the ships are still based on a design that's a bit rubbish. The most successful attempt is DS9's Defiant, which bears more than a passing resemblance to – you guessed it – Star Wars' Millenium Falcon; which somehow, despite looking almost as daft as The Enterprise, remains the most pimped-out ride in the galaxy. Star Trek, of course, comes back with its transporters, which, despite being eminently practical, very often go horribly wrong. I mean, who really wants to be split into two duplicates, one comprising your sex drive and being a bit of a berk, whereas the other is just a little bit camp? No, far cooler to swoop down in your X-wing and accept a little bit of an uncomfortable commute.

Winner: Star Wars

Weapons

Once more, those phasers, with their little radar dish, are just a bit naff. Worse, later versions look like the kind of laser gun that your nan would have; and seriously, who would be caught dead with a stun setting? (okay, so the Storm Troopers used one, but there wasn't far for New Hope to go if they killed the Princess in the first scene, was there!? Besides, much cooler effect than Trek's stun) Nemesis tried to make them a little bit cooler with a black makeover, but still, laser sword out-cools laser gun any day and the real-gun inspired Wars weapons just kick ass.

Winner: Star Wars

Technology

But wait, the Wars guys may have the better ships and the cooler weapons, but I'd take a flip-open communicator over a repainted lady-bic any day of the week! I mean, without those classic communicators, we probably wouldn't even have mobile phones. On Wars' side, 3D chess boards have become a reality, but I'd rather a holographic, monster-chess set, personally. Still, whilst there is a cool factor to the Bacta tank Luke recovers in, how impractical is it compared to waving a series of flashy-light boxes over someone? Not to mention that R2D2 may be a useful little gizmo, but at least Data could speak properly!

Winner: Star Trek

Heroes

Hmmm, tough one here. Initially, Janeway and Picard are not the rock-hard bastards of the galactic set, but Picard is somewhat of a gentleman adventurer, and Janeway has to be tough or she wouldn't have been able to survive, being so incredibly slapable... Scott Bakula was one of the two best things about Enterprise (you know what the other one was) and you wouldn't want to meet Sisko down a dark alley. Luke Skywalker and his pre-op dad, however, are about as hard as Alan Carr with one hand tied behind his back. Perhaps Luke improved post-Jedi Master status, but that was a SELF-AWARDED title! On the other hand, you have Samuel L Jackson, who Sisko has nightmares about, and Han Solo himself. Trek comes back however, with Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Uhura. By sheer numbers of cool characters, though few of them could compete with Wars's best, it looks like it's Trek.

Winner: Star Trek

Villains

Khan mincing around claiming he's quoting Klingon proverbs when he's reciting Shakespeare? Or Kang who knows he's reciting Shakespeare, but is so into it he fails to notice there's a photon torpedo about to ram its way up his arse? No thanks, I'll stick with Vader, or even Palpatine, Fett, Tarkin, Maul, Grievous.... can I award multiple wins in one category?

Winner: Star Wars

Space Battles

On the surface, we have some pretty major throwdowns in Star Wars. Thousands of ships, and a few trainers and potatoes, all making like a Spinal Tap concert. We have the Battle of Yavin, the raid on the second death star, even the skirmish above Coruscant in Sith was pretty wicked. Yet, how can that match with the Hornblower-inspired tension of Trek's starship-battles-as-chess? Running from the balls-of-steel bluff of The Corbomite Manouver, right through to the Picard taking on a superior ship in the hands of his younger self in Nemesis. Hell, Trek deserves the win for that Nebula battle in Khan alone!

Winner: Star Trek

Hand-to-hand combat

Both franchises feature a great deal of mano-a-mano action, but it's hard not to be drawn to Kirk's shirt-wripping battle with the Gorn. However, this is one area where the prequels pull Wars up. The technical display of Ray Park's fight choreography in Phantom Menace alone salvage the film. Still, even the duels with Vader in Empire and Jedi are enough to give Wars the edge here.

Winner: Star Wars

Explosions

There can be no doubt that the explosion of the Death Star is an iconic moment and it is yet one blowup among many. However, Trek has its fair share of great kablooeys: The Enterprise going up in Search For Spock, Kang's Bird of Prey in Undiscovered Country, and the 'D's crash in Generations. The piece de resistance, however, is the enormous destruction of the Klingon moon of Praxis in the fifth film (a scene my uncle uses to test his Dolby Surround System). Perhaps Trek has the advantage of later effects technology, but the Wars prequels were made after Trek and they just don't cut it in the blammo stakes.

Winner: Star Trek

Sexiness

Wars has one of the sexiest moments in cinema history, by popular opinion, that of course being slave-girl Leia in the gold bikini, but that is the ONLY sexy moment in all six films; unless you count Natalie Portman having the belly slashed out of her top by an alien's claws – you have to be pretty warped to perve over that. Not to mention, yes it may be a sexy outift, but it's still Carrie Fisher! Trek on the other hand, has the miniskirts, the Orion slave girls, Kirk's endless seductions of scantily-clad women. Later Wars offerings narrow the gap a little, I mean, she may not be scanty, but Natalie Portman's mere presence redeems the entire affair, gold bikini or not. Whereas TNG features that mighty duo of sex – Troi and Crusher, eewww. On the other hand, later Trek has Terry Farrel, Nicole de Boer, Jolene Blalock, Linda Park... let's be honest, most of the recovery is from the Trexpoitation cheese of Enterprise. Neither offering has much for the straight ladies or the gay men – but I suppose Patrick Stewart, Scott Bakula, The Shat, and even Alexander Siddig have their followings, the only response from Wars is Harrison Ford, myeh.

Winner: Star Trek

Creator

Let's be honest once more, we love George Lucas an equal amount to how much we want to slap the chinless wonder. Even Wars fans cheered when Homer Simpson picked him up and chucked him around. The “Great Bird of the Galaxy” on the other hand is the kind of rugged American, womanising, whisky-swigging, hard-fighting, ex-military man who could have been John Wayne's drinking buddy. Yet, he also wrote a series that looked forward to a future where mankind could exist in harmony and all races and creeds could live together in peace. He had a Russian main character as a good guy at the height of the cold war, he had black characters, he had aliens, he even had perhaps the best definition of feminism ever – women are equal, but still wear miniskirts. Fantastic!

Winner: Star Trek

Overall Winner: Star Trek!

As such, despite all odds and despite me preferring Wars, I have to award the six-to-four win to Trek, it has all the elements down already, so you can only marvel at the possibilities of what Abrams' sexed-up new version can do. It comes out May 8^th.