Monday Movie: The Expendables by @destroytheearth

So, the results are in. All three studios, Fox, Warner and New Line, have put in their entry for "commando team on the run" movie beginning with "The" of the year, so let's see if the release of The Expendables has turned the tide

What it has that The A-Team and The Losers lack is the kind of cast we all, as 11-year-olds, dreamed of. Can it deliver the goods? Or is it expendable? Hit the jump to find out:

So, let us see, let us see, what do we get? We get Statham being awesome, Li being awesome, an emotive monologue from Mickey Rourke, the occasional explosion, Charisma Carpenter back from the Playboy Mansion, a couple wicked fight scenes.... Oh... I can't keep it up... It's terrible!

This is the kind of film that expects us all to find an oriental man being short terribly hilarious; where explosive bullets only explode when they hit non-human targets; where being shot eight times in the chest doesn't kill you; and where no-one seems to be able to properly annunciate.

Seriously, a man speaking in an African accent gets subtitles here, whilst the entire audience is left squinting slightly with brain lock as they try to work out what in the name of Patrick Stewart's dialogue coach Sylvester Stallone is struggling to say. Speaking of Sly, he is suffering from a case of the Harrison Fords, looking like he might have a major coronary at any minute.

Even a cameo from the Governator himself is spoiled by it not so much being shoe-horned in as crowbarred. I so wanted to like this, it could have been so good, but a fantastic cast doing what they do best cannot make a terrible script and a lacklustre director add up to more than a turkey.

Overall, The Expendables is a wasted opportunity; The A-Team is a fun movie with a whiff of nostalgia; but it's the underdog Losers who win out in the end. Ultimately, great cast and fond memories are nice, but it's heart that makes great movies.