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Gort vs Bruce Willis vs Samuel L Jackson: who will win?

Perhaps our most successful feature ever was our Star Wars vs Star Trek smackdown. As such, we're introducing a new ongoing feature entitled Showdown where we'll be seeing how various B-movie icons match up against each other.


First in the series, the two mighty kings of B-movie badassness: Samuel L Jackson and Bruce Willis. The split between fans of the two seems to be 50/50, so who is better? There's only one way to find out: Hit the jump:

Most badass role

SLJ


Sammie came bursting onto our screens with the most eminently-quotable role in Pulp Fiction. His bible-spouting hitman, Jules, is still one of the all-time great movie badasses. We knew then this guy was gonna be big.

BW


Come on, he's mother-f***ing John McClane! This is the man terrorists have nightmares about!












Winner: Brucie


Least badass role

SLJ


That scene. The rousing, "let's get our sh*t together" speech that becomes the turning point in so many action movies. Only this one ends with a huge "screw you" from our resident scientist munchers, rather undermining the point. Nonetheless, you get the feeling that Sammie took this role for that very reason. He loves being in crap movies as much as we love watching them.

BW


This aging, balding, chubbifying loser, who keeps gravitating between two equally-repulsive women, nonetheless stands up in defence of living a good life over wasting a bad immortality. Still none too shabby.












Winner: Sammie


Greatest apocryphal tale

SLJ


The rumour persists that Sammie only agreed to take the role of Mace Windu if George Lucas gave him a purple lightsaber. My personal favourite rumour, that no special effects or stunt work was required for Jackson in Star Wars as he actually has force powers fuelled by his badassness, remains unfortunately unsubstantiated...

BW


Demi Moore once stated that she used to regularly belt her husband until, one day, he belted her back *backs away slowly*












Winner: Sammie


Baldness

SLJ


I would never dream of pointing out that Sammie's ears look a little like Yoda's without the hair to bridge the gap. Don't kill me, Mr Jackson sir....

BW


Baldness? Hah! It only serves to make Brucie more badass!












Winner: Brucie


Ladies

SLJ


All in all, Sammie's never been too much of an on-screen ladies man; but, at least he played Shaft; that has to count for something, right? That and picking up Julianna Margulies by accusing her of being a racist was genius...

BW


Brucie is a bit of a rugged loner himself, I mean: Cybill Sheppard? True, he had a thing with Jessica Alba in Sin City, but he resisted; deduct 1,000 man points....












Winner: Sammie


Voice-overs

SLJ


GTA: San Andreas, Frozone, Clone Wars, his own Afro Samurai? Sammie is as awesome in voice only as he is in the flesh.

BW


Despite a hilarious cameo with then-wife Demi Moore in the Beavis and Butthead movie, Brucie's voice work is mainly restricted to Rugrats and Look Who's Talking... *shudder*....












Winner: Sammie


Pretentiousness

SLJ


Zero. This is a man who did a cameo in the spoof music video for Snakes On A Plane for crying out loud!

BW


Whilst Sammie's racial motivations give him an excuse to get involved in politics, Brucie is just a big old 
cash-snatching Republican. This is never cool, but at least it fits with the tie honoured tradition of most action film stars, stretching back to Heston.












Winner: Sammie


Team-ups


Whilst the pair co-starred in Pulp Fiction, they never shared the screen, only acting opposite each other in Die Hard 3 and later Unbreakable. Sammie did the amazing job of stealing the film away from McClane himself in the former, managing to be an action star and comic relief all rolled into one, whilst he acted and schemed the pants off of Willis in Unbreakable.












Winner: Sammie


Best film

SLJ


Argue if you want, but Snakes On A Plane (or mother-f**king Snakes On A mother-f**king Plane as it shall be known) is this blog's kinda film and Sammie has never been more Sammie.

BW


Die Hard still stands out as one of the all-time greatest action movies. As my own dear mother put it, that mainly comes down to Brucie's ad-libbed quips.









Winner: Draw


Worst film

SLJ


The man has made some... unusual... choices: Coach Carter? Shaft? Jumper? Yet, he always does it with his tongue firmly in his cheek and comes out smelling like roses. What a guy...

BW


The Expendables, oh dear sweet Christmas, The Expendables....












Winner: Sammie



Overall Winner: Samuel L mother-humping Jackson!!!

In a shock, landslide victory, the world's official Coolest Man Alive, takes the gold, and the crowd loves him.

Disagree? The bonus rounds start below:

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