Gort vs Pirates: What's better Pirates Of The Caribbean or Serenity

I know you Americans and other foreign nationals will be unfamiliar with Harry Hill's TV Burp, and it would be arrogant of me to ask you to YouTube it just so you get this joke, but it's our blog and we're gonna:

So, Johnny, Keira and Orlando are pretty scoundrelish, and so are the space-pirate crew of Serenity, but who's more scoundrely? There's only one way to find out: FIGHT!!!

1) The Rascal Captain

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Captain Jack Sparrow

Undoubtedly one of the greatest characters in the last ten years of cinema, Depp's Sparrow started off as a Keith Richards parody and became an institution. Now the trilogy is over, Cap'n Jack is the only reason to watch the fourth film.

Serenity: Captain Mal Reynolds

"Bad, in the latin", Nathan Fillion's character is no such thing. The sex idol of millions of teenage geeks and as regarded in some circles as Depp's creation, you can't count out this wise-cracking, dubiously-moraled space pirate with a heart of gold... and he's been naked with Christina Hendricks....

Winner: Pirates Of The Caribbean

The Christina Hendricks thing is impressive, but Sparrow is just too great an invention

2) The Noble Hero

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Will Turner

Orlando Bloom gets a lot of flack, but I maintain that, whilst he may not be the most versatile actor, he is - at least - charismatic; and, no, I don't say that because he's from my home town. 

Serenity: Doctor Simon Tam

Very noble, very worthy, very dull.... except when hooking up with Kaylee, but then Kaylee makes everything better... sigh....

Winner: Pirates Of The Caribbean

Controversial, yet conclusive

3) The Totty

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Keira Knightley

The best Keira Knightley has ever looked because they've padded her up and given her boobs... There, I said it....

Serenity: Summer Glau/Jewel Staite/Morena Baccarin/Gina Torres/Christina Hendricks


Yum... Just yum...

Winner: Serenity

Quantity and quality

4) The Ship

Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Black Pearl

Maybe it is just an old-fashioned sailing ship, but it has black sails! And it's a pirate ship! A haunted pirate ship! Yaargh!

Serenity: The Serenity

However, the Serenity is a space-ship, that has to trump the Pearl, surely?

Winner: Pirates Of The Caribbean

No, pirates rock.

5) The Villains

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Zombies/Fish Men/The East India Trading Company

Yes, they are cool baddies - ghostly zombie pirates, undead sea people, evil capitalists - but they are still Disney-fied, friendly baddies, who'll only kill you off screen.

Serenity: The Reavers/The Alliance

This is more like it! Crazed lunatics who will literally rape you to death and a bunch of galactic tyrants who think nothing about brainwashing their populace.

Winner: Serenity

Oddly, Disney does not do true evil particularly well...

6) The Theme

Pirates Of The Caribbean: 

            (Link)     View more               Pirates Of The Caribbean Sound Clips         and        Movie Theme Song Sound Clips

A rollicking, swashbuckling theme song that is actually one of the best of the last ten years: epic.


              (Link)     View more               Firefly Sound Clips         and        Serenity/Firefly Sound Clips

Very similar to the infamous Enterprise theme, yet somehow not infuriatingly annoying. Perhaps it's the Western twang, or Joss Whedon's lyrics, which perfectly sum up the subtext of the show.

Winner: Pirates Of The Caribbean

Still, the Pirates theme is a work of genius that you'll be hearing in lesser movies for a long time to come,

7) Thievery

Pirates Of The Caribbean: 

Do the rogues of PoTC actually ever steal anything? The Dauntless, yes, but that can't be it, surely? They're pirates!


A good, old-fashioned bank robbery, that's more like it!

Winner: Serenity

Overall Winner: Pirates of The Caribbean!!!

There may be a certain underdog quality to Serenity, but let's be honest, PoTC has the big budget, the big actors and the big fun. Serenity just can't compete.


  1. Boo, hiss! Serenity was much more unusual, and much more enjoyable.

  2. Come on Serenity is just "one episode" and maybe the last of a great show, Firefly. The full season of Firefly shows the crew as well as the ship to be more than equal to that of the PoTC. Jane alone is the single best Rascal in either series. The sheer depth of character and characters in Serenity/Firefly should carry the day. That being said if it's a single movie compared to a single move then PoTC beats Serenity but you did comment on the PoTC Trilogy as well as the 4th movie.

  3. Calm down, Serenitards. They mentioned things from Firefly as well as Serenity, so it's not completely unfair. While I do agree that Serenity should have won, it was presented in a fair and equal fashion.

    The only contention I have is Simon v Will. They were both doing it for a girl, but Simon gave up bein' rich and respected to rescue his sister, not some dame he met on a ship a decade ago, which is much more noble.