Gort vs Lee Medcalf of The Black Dog Podcast

Gort's log, Stardate 08032013.2:

The following is an audio transcript of an interrogation of The Dark Lord Medcalf, the Black Dog Armada's leader, by Officer Gort:

*Imperial March plays*

Gort: Put him in the chair.

*Sound of manacles being fastened*

Do you know why you are here?

Medcalf: Am I auditioning for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

Very funny, Dark Lord. Many more jokes like that and I may have to give you a private screening of The Fifth Element.

*Expletive removed*

You have been captured by the Galactic Alliance and you will be subject to questioning under the charge of being a curmudgeonly grump and a killjoy.

I'm not answering any of your *Expletive removed* questions, you *Expletive removed* robotic *Expletive removed* and you can take that and *Expletive removed* and don't forget the *Expletive removed* chicken.

*Opening score of Fifth Element plays*


Okay, okay, fine! Get on with your *Expletive removed* interrogation.

Time and time again you have expressed your passion for so-called "good" movies. What is it that appeals to you about them?

I love the escapism, the fact that movies can manipulate our emotions, entertain us and show us new ideas in a spectacular way. In science fiction movies, which are my favourite genre, it's the spectacle and the high concept that drives me along. It's also the reason I have a love affair with visual FX. I love a good special effect sequence, CG or animatronic/model work. The imagination at play in a well-written SF movie is awe inspiring.

Oh, so if your "imaginative", "escapist" movies with their high-budget effects and rational plots are so good, impress me! Tell me about one of these masterpieces!

I Saw The Devil - A seriously twisted Korean revenge flick. I won’t spoil it, but it's an interesting take on the cat-and-mouse, detective/murderer thriller. It stars Choi Min-sik, who you might remember as the lead from Oldboy and Lady Vengeance. It is one of those high-concept thrillers that you can just bet someone in Hollywood is looking at remaking, and probably softening the edges to boot. 

Hah! I bet there isn't even one killer shark! These kinds of movies probably even have a talented cast who would otherwise be forced to slum it in B-movie hell. *Robotic chuckle*

Well, yes... I particularly like Paul Bettany. He’s an actor who is always engaging and has a real intensity about him. I loved him in Gangster No. 1 and A Knight's Tale (not that I was particularly fan of the film itself), but the problem with Bettany is that he’s never really capitalised on his initial break out and sadly has dropped into B-Movie, DTV hell with films like Legion and Priest. Both of which didn’t look that good, but I gave the benefit of the doubt because Bettany was in it... It's a real shame his biggest money-making films have been Iron Man and Avengers, but sadly he only starred as the voice of Jarvis, Tony Stark's computer.

Bah! Priest and Legion are Bettany's best work! You can't possibly only like Hollywood films? There must be some awful quip in an action B-movie that thrills you or a graphic scene of a low-budget horror film that terrifies you?

The last fifteen minutes of [REC], a spanish zombie movie. If you haven’t seen it, I can’t really spoil it for you, but suffice to say, infrared, plus person walking in a loft, equals a horrifically tense scene. So much so, that it's almost a relief when something bad actually happens.

Ah, but that is the essence of our agenda. Awful things can be a source of great joy. Surely you have found amusement in some terrible acting or continuity error at some time? You can tell me...

I think the one I spotted and suddenly had a 'WHOA!' moment was Jurassic Park, when you realise that the T Rex steps over its fence without so much as a hop, yet, thirty seconds later, when Alan Grant and the car go over the edge there's an eighty-foot drop!

So, you confess to actually deriving enjoyment from a film's failings?

Well, uh, no, that's not what I meant...

Liar! You like terrible movies, really, don't you? Why else would you inflict The Room on the listeners of your podcast? Confess!



*Sounds of electricity sparking*


All right, all right, I admit it. To my eternal shame, I... I... enjoyed Thunderbirds.

Yes! Now we hear the truth!

I am an old dyed-in-the-wool Thunderbirds fan from my days as an impressionable kid sitting in front of the original Gerry Anderson series on a Saturday morning. So, when I got tickets to a premier screening of the Jonathan Frakes film, I was, in hindsight, already sold on it. Then, when the movie kicked off I was seriously into it. Add in a crush on Sophia Myles and an audience who seemed to be up for the movie and it all just hit the spot for me. The Framestore updates of the Thunderbirds themselves weren't offensive and some of the FX sequences were, at the time, quite impressive... A day later I was hating myself for even liking it. In fact, I think that was the day that the podcast section Rose-Tinted Specs was truly born...

It's okay. The Galactic Alliance understands. Terrible films are a joy to us all. Come, join us... Admit that you enjoyed The Room and your journey to the dark side will be complete!!


*Sound of explosion and laser fire*


*More laser fire*

*Metallic thud*

Darron Diamond: My Lord! I am here to rescue you, quickly, let's go before the robot recovers.

Medcalf: ...Darron? What happened to me? They were doing something to my mind...

Diamond: Never mind, sir. You're safe now. We'll get back to the Armada, make a cup of tea and watch Aliens. That'll sort you out.

Medcalf: Very good, Darron. We have another episode of our slightly random, off-colour podcast to record. We'll take a look at classic films, both good and bad, and re-evaluate them. Are they really that good or were they unfairly maligned? Either way, we and our dread horde of feedbackers will decide if the movie's reputation is deserved.

Diamond: That's right, sir, you remember. People can listen through iTunes or at GeekplanetOnline, or join the Facebook group and get involved!

Medcalf: Yes, Darron, let us leave and continue the fight against the Galactic Alliance another day.

*Recording ends*