Gort vs monkeys: We review 60s killer-monkey movie Konga

Commander's log, Stardate 13052013.2:

"Ook," it said. 

We sat opposite the hyper-intelligent ape that had been our saviour. Trapped by the cybernetically enhanced baby that Gort had... acquired... our only hope had been to use the Mothership's cloning facilities to create our new colleague. The ape had produced and flung natural projectiles to subdue the baby and return it to Earth.

Smiling politely, I now leaned over to Gort and muttered through my teeth: "What do we do with the monkey now?"

"Ssshhh," Gort whispered mechanically, "don't call him a monkey. Do you want a face full of tactical faeces?"

Pulling back and maintaining my smile, I offered: "Would you like tea?"

"Ook," it answered.

We're fairly certain Konga's plot was transcribed from a dream fueled by a late-night rewatch of the original King Kong during a cheese binge. We can only assume that the production was bank rolled by a producer in a vengeful attempt to take down AIP studios.

Batman's butler himself, Michael Gough's mad botanist returns from a jungle expedition with  a selection of carnivorous saplings that he believes prove to be a missing link between the evolution of plants and human beings. Gough ignores the attentions of his lovely housekeeper as he seems far more aroused by Konga, a chimp he has adopted from the jungle. Somehow the meat-eating marigolds in Gough's greenhouse allow him to turn Konga into an intelligent, completely subservient man in a gorilla costume. Konga looks as confused by this as we were.

"We're fairly certain Konga's plot was transcribed from a dream fuelled by a late-night rewatch of the original King Kong during a cheese binge."

Gough sends Konga out to perform ninja-like assassinations of his enemies, which he somehow feels is an inevitable conclusion of his research. His housekeeper finds this mildly troubling, as if she had discovered she'd run out of milk. She determines her only course of action is to marry the murderous mad scientist.

Things start to unravel when, just when you thought Gough's character had no interest in human women, he starts to crack on to a teenage girl he's been grooming. The actress seems to be trying to play the girl as having a mental disability and we're surprised Gough can get close to her without her stabbing him with her bizarrely pointed bust. Fuelled by jealousy, his housekeeper gives Konga all the remaining formula and sends him on a Godzilla rampage. Oddly, the film chooses this section to slow to a crawl to showcase the "effects". These include showing the exact same gorilla suit in a miniature set holding a Barbie.

Seriously, we're not even kidding, you need to see this film. The terribly acted technicolour madness and sheer unashamed shoddiness of its effects make it a joy to hold in your heart forever. Take that Peter Jackson.

Konga is re-released on UK DVD today. Hoorah!