Gort vs crap witches: Inappropriate Shower Scenes
"The plot ends up like a cross between The Da Vinci Code and The Craft, which is no bad thing at all"
New here? Start with the first part of our review.
Dario Argento had apparently grown bored of supernatural horror by the time he'd finished the first two parts of his Three Mothers trilogy and it was 27 years after the release of the second part,
Inferno before the final part saw the light of day -
Mother of Tears. By this time, Argento had a grown daughter, the stunningly drool-worthy
Asia Argento, who took on the lead role.
Apparently, the reason Eyebrows found it so easy to off the Mother of Sighs in
Suspiria was that she had already been maimed in combat with a white witch, who died in the attempt to rid the world of the evil sorceress. She was survived by her daughter, Miss Argento, who grew to take up the study of art restoration in a museum in Rome, and also boffing the museum director.
Things kick off when a hidden grave is discovered containing an urn with three statues *hint* and a strange vest-top that appears to have been
Bedazzled.
 |
| "What?" |
No sooner has Asia and her mate opened the urn than a bunch of demons and a monkey, for some reason, turn up to off the friend in such a spectacular fashion that you're left in no doubt that Argento is back on his game.
A rod is inserted into her mouth, then cranked so it splays open, destroying her mouth and teeth, then she's graphically disemboweled and hung by her own intestines.
All of this is on the orders of the final Mother, Mater Lachrymarum - the titular 'Mother of Tears'. As it turns out, this was the pussy-stroking woman from Inferno all along - dun-dun-duuun. Her schtick is to be constantly naked and
her powers include her boobs' ability to completely defy gravity. Her one concession to clothing is the Bedazzled Vest her demons and monkey stole for her, which will somehow let her bring about the apocalypse.
Pretty soon every witch in the world is turning up in Rome for the festivities and they're all trying to tie up loose ends by killing poor Asia, who had the sense to leave her friend to die and scarper as soon as the demons turned up. Luckily,
her dead mother goes all Obi-wan and teaches her the secrets of white witchery, allowing her to both destroy the Bedazzled Vest and the Mother of Tears and seemingly bag herself a more age-appropriate boyfriend.
Since we are never ones to go along with convention at
DayHWStoodStill, we have to say that this is much more like it, and not just because of Asia Argento.
Suspiria may be studied in film schools, but Mother of Tears is a lot more fun. 30 years of special effects development makes for a lot more flexibility in the gore and the magic, while Argento's greater fame made for some marginally better acting. The plot is also far more developed, ending up like a cross between
The Da Vinci Code and
The Craft, which is no bad thing at all.
Just try not to think about the implications of Argento directing his daughter in the shower...
