Friday Feature: Our Guide To The Best Cinemas In Movies by @V_For_Vienetta

Movies within movies have been all the rage since the early days of cinema, but nothing is quite as existential as sitting in a cinema watching a movie of people sitting in a cinema watching a movie... except maybe sitting in a cinema watching a movie of people sitting in a cinema watching a movie of people sitting in a cinema watching a movie... but enough of that...

Anyway, the point of all this is to introduce our movie-lover's guide to the ten best cinemas in movies:

Shoshanna’s cinema looks gorgeous and projectionist Marcel is the best in the biz however unless you’re a fan of Nazi propaganda and burning to death – you may want to give it a miss.

The toilet facilities seem to be in much better nick than the majority in central London, but don’t be tempted to listen to any creepy muttering from the stall next door. Also it attracts a rather raucous crowd who may provide ample cover for you to be stabbed. Avoid.

Taking a potential lover to a saucy film may seem like a hip, alternative first date but no matter how many couples have told you they enjoyed Swiss sex-ed classic Language of Love, you run the risk of both looking like a mentalist and highly offending your prospective paramour.

This Piccadilly Circus porno theatre is very handy for the tube, the lady at the box office is non-judgemental and the usher is always well turned out. The audience are nice and quiet and the sound quality is excellent. The back row can be host to werewolves and the undead, which can unfortunately trigger police raids and early closure. Carpeting is also likely to be sticky.

Come witness the birth of cinema in a lively cinematograph tent. Fella’s keep a hold of your dates though, as they may be rather tempting to passing, Eastern-European, super-suave noblemen... and escaped wolves.

Bring the whole family along to enjoy Snooty Cat and Courageous Dog. Although, if attending an evening performance, be ready to put your hands over the kids eyes when you see a “cigarette burn”.

Enjoy singing along to Disney classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with a lively audience. They may be a tad rambunctious, but at least they don’t have mobile phones. As with number 1, not one for those not fond of being burned alive.

IMAX? Pah. 3D? Pfft. Come and REALLY be part of the action. Try not to tick off Charles Dance and you could take home your very own Arnie – he’ll go down a storm with your mum.

Private screenings of The Evil Dead are a specialty at this theatre. However the guy in the rabbit suit can be rather intimidating and the management takes no responsibility for any portals the screen may become during the feature.

A classic cinema, screening kung-fu triple bills, with a wide array of refreshments. Plus, if it’s your birthday, they throw in a (literally) smoking hooker, who may be your one true love.

Got any more good ones? Pop ‘em in the comments below.

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