Wednesday Rewind: Giving Twilight a chance by @destroytheearth

The things I do for you people.

In the interests of science, I put my money where my mouth is. So convinced was I that Twilight was a blight upon the surface of the Earth that I decided to fairly and unbiasedly watch it through, so that I may better criticise it. Of course, I had a similar reason behind reading the Harry Potter books, which were incredible and worthy of every bit of praise they have loaded upon them. So, was Twilight the same? Is it a misunderstood classic? Hit the jump to find out...

There is a fantastic Audrey Tautou romantic comedy called Priceless. Tautou stars as a gold-digger who catches the attention of a poor bellboy. In order to win her affections, the bellboy attempts to earn the money to pay for her extravagant lifestyle, by becoming a trophy for an older lover himself. Tautou coaches her beau in the arts of gold-digging, explaining to him that her lovers go crazy for breathless, half-finished sentences and dreamy eyes that seem to long for the satisfaction of unexpressed desires. This is also the formula behind Twilight dialogue.

Yes, the garbage spouted by the cast of Twilight would qualify as satire in any other film. Such choice examples include: "I'd rather die than to stay away from you", "I only said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be" and "I dream about being with you forever".

In case you hadn't guessed, I was not won over.

The first aspect that the movie is missing is character development. Despite discovering the existence of vampires and almost being killed several times, our heroine Bella is exactly the same at the end of the film as when she started, and the same goes for all the other characters. One can excuse this of the immortal undead, but even the human characters are simply cyphers.

Bella herself is nothing more than an idealised every-girl. She's awkward, clumsy, isolated, lonely and long-suffering, but at the same time utterly focused, stable, strong willed, adored by everyone she meets and almost saintly in her selflessness; a combination of every woman's worst neuroses and their fondest ambitions.

Furthermore, Bella is the utterly-devoted love object of two handsome, special, powerful men, along with any other male she comes across. The two suitors are equally hollow, nothing more than a teenage girl's naive idea of what she wants in a man.

Far worse than this are the film's villains. The pony tail-twirling baddie has no greater reason to assault our leads other than that he quite likes being a bastard and yet somehow manages to not kill or permanently harm any major characters at all. The lingering threat of his lover's lust for revenge is also somewhat muted by the fact that, should you have taken a bathroom break, you may not have noticed that they were even a couple.

The only character with any personality whatsoever is Bella's father, who raises the only lols of the film. The scene where he suggests that Bella bring her new boyfriend in for him to meet while he is cleaning his shotgun even momentarily makes you think the film may have some redeeming features.

You could, perhaps, not judge the lack of characterisation so harshly were there any plot whatsoever. For just over two hours, nothing actually occurs. Just when the story actually builds up to an occurrence, the unpleasant business of an event is swiftly brushed over while the cast close their eyes and think of England, so that they can get back to longingly staring at each other again.

However, let us try and be fair and list the good points. Let's see... good points... good points...

Well, the modern mythology of the vampires is initially quite interesting, but disintegrates by degrees, Firstly, the vampires develop X-Men-like random powers for no conceivable reason; and then... they begin to sparkle... a ridiculous concept that, whilst initially you can see it being a coy reason why they are never seen in daylight, truly collapses in the execution. Vampires are supposed to be pale, static, eternal embodiments of unlife, not happy little unicorns dancing in the forest, and the conceit jars with the symbolism.

The film's only real saving grace are Stewart and Pattinson, who, despite all that has been said about them, I maintain are both credible actors who do an amazing job with the hand they're dealt. They actually manage to halfway sell this rancid tripe they are forced to spout through sheer force of will. Not to mention, the odd public slip has indicated that even they realise what a load of bilge this is.

Ultimately, it's not the worst film I've ever seen; it wasn't even interesting enough to earn the accolade. This was truly one of the most dull, depressing experiences I have had in the course of my life. The only way anyone could enjoy this film is as some sort of sexual titillation for people who don't approve of such things; Mormon porn, basically. It appeals to the lowest common denominator of the female psyche; if Bella is what all modern women want to be, then I am truly concerned for the female gender.

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