Iron Hero

Aaaah, folks, many films contend for the title of worst movie ever, but few can compete with the absolute ridiculousness of Iron Hero; and it's not even by The Asylum.

Care to know more? Hit the jump, if you dare:

Oh dear.

Yaargh! Here be spoilers....! If ye care...

How can we possibly describe Iron Hero, known as "Metal Man" in the States? Would it explain the film's cheapness to tell you that it looks like it was shot in someone's backyard with a Flip Camcorder... and not an HD one...? Or how about that we swear one of the actresses declares two pieces of machinery just aren't "combatible" at one point? Shall we detail how an actress has to get onto a lab gurney veeeeeery slowly since it is obviously a flimsy fold-out table with a sheet over it? Or would it be clearer to tell you all that the security camera in the villains' hideout can seemingly show any event from any angle? Or how about the fact that, throughout, supposedly dead or unconscious goons continue to breathe and move around in the background?

No, we shall best explain Iron Hero to you by relating how our hero's indestructible, bullet-proof armour grows steadily more chipped and tarnished as the film continues, almost as if it were made of cheap plastic...

This wonderful slice of cut-price tosh tells the story of a young video-game designer who is earning some money working as a lab assistant for a scientist who is developing a suit of nanotech-powered armour that makes the wearer an unstoppable killing machine. The scientist's gangster investors want to use the suit as a weapon, while the noble scientist has other, altruistic uses in mind, like... uh... peacefully and non-violently... killing people...?

To protect his design, the scientist takes the only working prototype of the suit and attaches it to our hero without his consent, in order to... uh... drive the plot of the film....? This leaves our hero permanently sealed inside the armour, unable to ever eat, drink or experience physical human contact ever again. So, naturally, when the gangsters shoot the scientist and steal his designs, our hero sets out to take revenge...

We mean, personally, if someone did that to us, we'd probably buy the people who did it a beer or something, but... uh... you know, the scientist was a nice guy really...

Oh, and, of course, the gangsters also kill our hero's parents, because they... uh.... had some spare bullets that were about to go past their use-by date...?

Along the way, two gurning goons get repeatedly beaten up over and over again and our hero acquires lost microchips that upgrade his suit's systems with new abilities, including a holographic device that allows him to look like only either himself without the suit or a random bearded bloke (yet also somehow to touch people through his suit), super-speed and invisibility, which completely defies logic and allows him to turn other people invisible by touching them. Think about that, what could be transferred between two people by touch that could make them completely invisible?

Finally, the gangsters kidnap the girl our hero has a crush on (despite not knowing who he is, they know where he lives, who his family are and who he secretly fancies, clever guys...) and he rescues her, only to be rejected because she "can't deal with this" (we know the feeling). So, instead, our hero goes off to save the scientist's daughter who, subtextually, seems to have been dating the gangster, until he kills Abby from NCIS (not the actual one, just the ASDA Smart Price version) and forces the scientist's daughter to put on just the helmet of a second version of the suit along with generic theatre blacks. You know, whatever gets you going...

This all leads to what looks like a sub-Power Rangers showdown between our hero and an upgraded, militarised version of the armour that was previously unmentioned. After which, our hero takes to the air to destroy a series of fighter jets in an apparent terrorist attack against the United States; returning to ground several months later to get it on with the scientist's daughter in her helmet.

Seriously, your guess is as good as ours, but this is genuinely one of the most heart-engorgingly entertaining pieces of garbage we have ever seen and the best quid we have spent in a long time. Buy it, drink some beers, eat some pizza and have a cushion ready for your jaw to fall onto.

Iron Hero is available at any good branch of Poundland... 


No, seriously...