Gort vs The Spider, a special guest post from Admiral Jim Moon

As it came time, this week, to report in to Galactic Alliance Command, I seated myself comfortably on the couch in our living room and started the refrain that would open the Mothership Operations Remote Communication channel: "MORC calling Orson, come in Orson, MORC calling Planet Orson Galactic Command Base."

Quickly, the giant, floating head of Galactic Alliance Command Admiral Jimothy Moon appeared in front of me. "Nanu Nanu," I declared. "What was that Commander?" Admiral Moon responded. "Nothing, sir, just clearing my throat *cough*"

I gave a full report to the Admiral on our ongoing activities and he was less than pleased: "Commander, I am dismayed to find you concentrating on perverse 80s action films when the time-lapsed signals we receive from Earth at Galactic Command contain so many fascinating specimens." "Like what, sir?" I asked. "Well, Commander, like this Earth vs The Spider film I saw just recently..."

Steven Berkoff - The Most Mercenary Actor In Hollywood

Whilst we watched Fair Game last week, Gort was oddly silent. Eventually, he admitted his concern that his data banks had become corrupted. "This Russian villain played by a man named Berkoff?" he asked, "My information says he's English and a famous playwright?"

After briefly considering allowing Gort to spend several hours unnecessarily debugging his software for a laugh, I owned up and told him that Berkoff was a man who funded his plays by taking on the crappiest roles he could find, even ones that he only got because people thought he was Russian, all the while slagging these films off to the press.

"Fascinating," Gort muttered, with an evil, respectful glint in his ocular visor, "Tell me more..."

Fair Game, or Lots of Cindy Crawford Showering

It was with sadness in our hearts/internal fluidic processing units that we were forced to accept that we would not be able to review The Day The Earth Stood Still for our relaunch post. Still, this week we beamed down to our local DVD store from the mothership and tried to purchase a copy.

When the counter jockey attempted to present us with the 2008, Keanu Reeves version, Gort was less than impressed. During what has since become known as the Day The Earth Stood Still massacre, many of the staff of the store were disintegrated. To save the last few acne-ridden teens, I frantically grasped at alternatives.

In the very last bargain bucket, I happened across a particular joy I hadn't seen since my days in the Galactic Alliance Academy. At the top of my lungs, I bellowed: "Klaatu, Barada, Cindy Crawford's jubblies!!!"

With that, we left the smoking crater that had been our local DVD stockist and returned to the mothership to watch 90s classic Fair Game.

Blitz, or Who Needs Guns When You Have Pitbulls?

We've been stung by the Stathe before. Having set himself up as the unlikely action hero of a generation with slick, 80s-style action flicks like The Transporter and CrankJason Statham has proceeded to appear in a chain of utter bilge from The Expendables, to The Mechanic and the woeful Killer Elite. As such, I was dubious about British cop thriller Blitz

However, a recent weekend afternoon saw me faced with a dilemma. Gort had called New Empress magazine editor Helen Cox under the pretext of a business matter and was proceeding to flirt with her both aggressively and awkwardly. Dare I continue to listen to this cringeworthy exchange or would I give the Stathe another chance? I tentatively inserted the disk, echoing the content of Gort's conversation, and prepared myself to be hurt by Statham one more time...