News: The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan

You've already had a historic review from us this week, but we just wanted to let you guys know that friend of the blog, Paul Tanter, creator of the Jack Says series, has made a new, stand-alone film that comes out on DVD today.

It's not really Gort's kind of thing, but we can assure you it's worth a look. Check it out and support independent British cinema.

Gort vs Gort: We finally review the original The Day The Earth Stood Still

Stardate: 25062012.2

It is always with a certain trepidation that I hear the thudding, metallic footsteps of Gort approaching the command centre while I am trying to get some work done. Calibrating the Mothership's targeting sensors to automatically fire on Billy Crystal's forehead every time it appears is not an easy job.

Gort vs Gort

As such, it was with a sigh that I heard Gort enter the command deck this week. He seemed to be marching with rather more of a racket than usual on that day, but I refused to be drawn in, diligently focusing on my work. Nonetheless, Gort continued to stamp his feet, trying to get my attention. It was only when he began firing disintegrator beams at random around the deck that I acquiesced and asked him what was wrong.

It seems Gort was rather distraught that he was less well known in certain areas of Earth than two refugees from a backwards planet, who had somehow gained asylum on Earth and not been subject to ethnic cleansing like the rest of their species. He maintained that something drastic must be done to ensure that his power was feared throughout the planet. After I rejected his idea of disintegrating the last surviving members of the Jedward race, we settled on another solution...

Gort vs homicidal anchorites, our review of Killer Nun

Stardate 190612.2:

I was slightly disturbed this week to happen across Gort wearing a full nun's habit with a rosary necklace while merrily tapping away at the mothership's transporter controls. When I inquired as to what he was doing, he explained that he planned to open the mothership as an old-people's home, use the neural inducer to force the residents to will all their worldly possessions to us, then eject them out of the airlock. He added that he had got the idea after watching 70s horror Killer Nun.

After a few seconds of staring blankly and an additional moment of gentle facepalming, I instructed him that such an activity would be highly immoral, illegal and probably not particularly profitable. In response, Gort's visor flashed slightly and, as he pulled out a pair of silk stockings and began to approach me, I decided it might be best to take an unscheduled holiday for a couple of days.

Gort vs Biggles, a guest post by Galactic Alliance President Dave Probert

This week was the most prestigious event in the history of The Day Hollywood Stood Still. We had a visit from the President. Yes, Dave Probert, President of the Galactic Alliance arrived to inspect the Mothership.

During his visit, Gort remained oddly silent, looming in the way that only he can. Once the tour was complete, however, Gort could no longer hold his vocal processors. "Sir," the mark of respect was uttered with effort, "you, at one point, seemed set on disintegrating this world for its cynical crimes against Galactic cinema. Why did you decide to give it another chance?"

"Two things, constable: Firstly," we mumbled along with him under our breath: "Megan Fox; and secondly, a little film called Biggles: Adventures in Time."

The Fast and The Furious movies, or Make Cars Go Fast Now

I had somewhat of a surprise this week, due to the sudden arrival of what appeared to be the transforming car/spaceship from The Last Starfighter in the mothership's shuttlebay.

The ship landed and transformed into an unnecessarily neon-coloured car with an over-sized engine poking out from a hole in the bonnet and Gort hopped out of the driver's door. In response to my quizzical stare, Gort explained that he had purchased the vehicle with his annual bonus as an investment. He planned to use the spacecar's nuclear fusion engine to win illegal drag races against unsuspecting human drivers down on Earth.

It was this moment when New Empress magazine's editor, Helen Cox climbed out of the passenger-side door wearing a bikini and carrying a large piece of card with "Lap 1" written on it. I slowly turned to Gort and said: "You've been watching The Fast and The Furious again, haven't you?"