Gort vs turbo-charged ninjas: Helen Cox reviews Mark Dacascos in 90s martial arts classic Drive

Stardate 27072012.2:

"So, then this guy Wang picked up my transmissions and he must've stuck them in this movie...!" an extremely odd voice was echoing down the corridors of the Mothership this week, followed by hysterical laughter. When I investigated, I found Gort and his girlfriend Helen Cox down in the main laboratory, crowded around a table. When I caught sight of what was on the table, my first thoughts were: "what is that frog doing here and why does it have a brain sticking out of its head?"

"This is Walter The Einstein Frog. He was a Commander, but his body was injured and his brain had to be emergency transferred into a frog's body," Gort explained. "So, now he's looking for a new body to transplant his brain into," Helen added.

"Why are you all looking at me?" I asked.

"I can write his post for this week?" Helen suggested in response.

To be continued...

Gort vs dimension-hopping ash trays: We review 80s classic horror Creepshow

Stardate 19072012.2:

One morning this week, I awoke to a strange noise coming from the Mothership's canteen. Striking out to investigate, I found the hallways filled with an odd clicking noise. Fearing an attack by the Black Dog Armada, I slipped down the corridors and dive-rolled through the canteen door to find Gort sat at an old typewriter.

Recovering my breath, I asked him what he was doing. He was sat in a wheelchair, with his legs covered by a tartan blanket, a large bottle of whisky on the desk. He answered that his attempts to elicit the necessary fear for his experiments from the week before hadn't succeed, so he was attempting to write a terrifying horror novel.

Clean your windows? 10 bob?

I asked him how far he had got. He pointed to the typewriter. Several pages repeated: "All work and no play makes Gort a dull boy. All work and no play makes Gort a dull boy". I patted him on the shoulder and told him to keep trying.

Gort vs Jason: we take a look back at each film in the Friday the 13th series

Stardate 13072012.2:

I was rather stunned this week as I was making my way to bed to happen upon Gort. He had been generally absent that day, making the Mothership rather peaceful, until I rounded the corner and found Gort holding a large machete above his head and wearing a hockey mask.

Having screamed like a little girl and nearly soiled myself, I stood back up from where I had fallen and asked him what the hell he was playing at. He told me that he was experimenting with a new method of powering the Mothership's engines using the emotion humans called fear and he had been researching a series of films as a method to produce this emotion.

That was all very well, I said, but why was he hanging around outside my quarters dressed up like Jason Voorhees? "Fun," he replied.

Coming tomorrow...

...our review of every single Friday the 13th movie, in one post. Watch this space...

B-movies Heroes - Rhona Mitra

Stardate 06072012.2:

Rising in the early afternoon, as is my wont, I found myself confronted by Gort and his girlfriend in the Mothership canteen. "What time do you call this?" Gort buzzed haughtily, arms crossed, wearing a black turtleneck and a ridiculous black beret. "Give it a rest, mate, it was a late one last night..." I began, but was immediately cut off by Helen Cox, Gort's girlfriend, who was sat at one of the tables in similar attire, but with the addition of dark glasses and a sour expression: "Quiet, chauvinist pig!" she bellowed.

I slowly rested my head against the fridge door, "I didn't drink nearly enough for this..." Still, Gort continued: "We have decided that it is time for a change. Your continued oppression of the human female gender cannot continue." "Eh?" I asked. Helen jumped to her feet and thumped her fist on the table, "We demand the end of your anti-feminist agenda of exaggerating the male contribution to low-grade cinema! We demand a B-movie Heroine!" she said, raising a fist in the air.

I looked to Gort. I looked back to her. "So, you want me to do a female B-movie Hero?" I asked. Slumping back down into her chair, she mumbled: "It's a start."