Commander's Log, Stardate 02102013.2:
It's been a difficult week on the Mothership. Commander Walter's evil robotic ninja squirrel somehow managed to duplicate itself with some of the ship's equipment, producing one red and one grey squirrel, who set about running around the ship chewing on cables and hitting us on the back of the head with twigs joined by acorn stalks.
In the end, it was Helen Cox of New Empress Magazine who saved the day by suggesting to the grey squirrel that gingers sucked. The grey squirrel's snicker led to an all-out royal rumble between the ninjas, ending with both of their destruction. If only all our adventures ended with so little effort.
Review
While the Resident Evil films may have achieved a cult popularity that could well outstrip the games they're based on, generally speaking, adaptations of video games are pretty terrible. There's one such film, however, that serves to elevate every other 8-bit to 8mm movie ever made by comparison. That movie is Double Dragon.
The film is based on the classic arcade game of the same name, which saw the player choose from a blue or red-outfitted martial arts expert who had to fight his way through a gang of henchmen to rescue his girlfriend and that was that. To expand the plot into something that could fill a movie, those wonderful architects of the societal unravelling that was 90s America, created one of the most insane, perplexing conceptions ever committed to celluloid.
"There are those who will need to hunt this film down like a cinematic Lament Configuration Box"
Scott Wolf from Party of Five, the definition of the term honkie, is somehow the brother of Hawaiian kung fu-movie god Mark Dacascos. The two are orphans and are being raised by Rambo's girlfriend, who is teaching them to win money in martial arts tournaments. Wolf is lambasted by his brother and sensei because he doesn't care about winning money - it is the 90s after all.
Driving around in Ecto-1, they fall foul of some thugs who work for the T-1000 from Terminator 2 and discover that their sensei has some giant bling in the form of half a gold Tai Chi symbol with a dragon on it. The thugs report to the T-1000, who seems to be halfway through bleaching his hair. Apparently, the medallion is half of an ancient Chinese amulet that can magically turn the T-1000 into a bad special effect. Escaping, the brothers travel through a Robocop-style future and meet up with both Alyssa Milano's arse and a roided-up henchman who was clearly Mickey Rourke's career inspiration.
We wish we could tell you what happened in the end, but we were too distracted by trying to work out why Milano was wearing a garter, cut-off jeans and the cut up remains of some overalls after they were used to paint a Picasso; not to mention why she was better at martial arts than Wolf. We think it had something to do with everyone being reverse vampires. Once you've seen this film, you may never be the same, but there are those who will need to hunt it down like a cinematic Lament Configuration Box.
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